So Festy! Read online

  ‘But without food there’ll be no fuel for the F-start Combustion Machine!’ wailed Fogbottom. ‘There’ll be nothing to deliver. I’ll lose my job!’

  ‘You’ll lose more than that!’ snapped Fluff as she zipped into the room. ‘Not just the Triple F. We’ll lose all of FairyLand.’

  A wave of wailing fairies wafted into the air.

  ‘Shush your snivelling,’ said Fluff. ‘We have to work together to find the culprit.’

  ‘Fafnir’s already on the case,’ said Fogbottom.

  On hearing that, Fluff pursed her lips. Loudly she sucked in some air. Sl-o-w-ly she let it out and wiped her brow with a hanky.

  ‘He’s been and gone,’ explained Flutterbum.

  ‘I thought he had been banned!’ gasped Fluff. ‘After that offal incident.’

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Fogbottom. ‘It were awful.’

  Fluff shook her head in exasperation. ‘Not awful, you fool. Offal! Wasn’t Fafnir banned for eating all the offal?’

  ‘No,’ said Flutterbum shaking his head. ‘He only got two weeks in the fairy lock-up.’

  ‘Righteo!’ said Fluff, recovering her composure and getting back to fix-it mode. ‘Let’s get down to business.’ Rolling up her sleeves, she started to tick off on her fingers. ‘Flutterbum, you fix the combustion machine. Foreman Phat! Do stand up and make yourself useful. You can be in charge of finding the missing food. Fogbottom, you’re in charge of…’ She paused, trying to collect her thoughts. With Fogbottom’s brains it was best not to put him in charge of anything. ‘You’re in charge of finding out who blew up the toilet! And I?’ she barrelled on. ‘I’ll be in charge of finding the Pepper Pie Popper!’ Fluff looked around at the gathering. ‘You fairies! Split up. Divide yourselves into four groups. One group will go with each of us. Quickly, now. We’ve only twenty-nine minutes left!’

  Chapter Four

  To find the Pepper Pie Popper was not going to be easy. Fluff gathered around her group of fairies. ‘I want each of you to call everyone you know—family, friends. We need as many fairies as we can get.’

  Twelve fairy mobiles were whipped out from under wings and frantic calls were made. Woe betide any fairy who put them on Call Waiting!

  ‘Everyone is to spread out,’ instructed Fluff. ‘You must go to each and every house in FairyLand and look for the Pepper Pie Popper. Whoever finds it first must let me know immediately.’

  ‘How will we know when we’ve found it?’ asked a gruff old fairy with a dour face.

  ‘Easy!’ announced Fluff. ‘You’ll start to sneeze. A little bit of pepper escapes before the true F-start is released. Right?’

  Fairy wings fluttered in acknowledgment.

  ‘Off you go, then. We don’t have a moment to waste.’

  Their departure created a small windstorm.

  Fluff was about to follow when a haze of white caught her eye near the factory bathroom door. Bending to examine it more closely she was surprised when it faded to nothing. Hmmm! she thought. Must have been imagining things. She turned to go but before she’d flown ten centimetres she stopped again. Something was in the air! Fluff sniffed, hoping it was pepper she smelt. But it wasn’t pepper it was…

  ‘Smoke!’ Fluff raced into the toilet block. Looking around she spied the tips of wings sticking out from under a cubicle. A tendril of smoke curled towards the ceiling. Fluff let fly. ‘You scoundrel!’ she said, hammering on the toilet door. ‘Get out of there.’

  Swiftly the wingtips withdrew.

  ‘Don’t think you can hide from me!’ screeched Fluff and despite her small size she wrenched open the door. ‘Fafnir!’ she exploded and began beating at him with her wings saying, ‘Take that! And that! No one smokes in my toilets!’

  Fafnir twisted out of her way. ‘I’m not doing anything wrong,’ he yelled. ‘Dragons are supposed to smoke!’

  Fluff stopped her flutterings. She eyed Fafnir’s smouldering nostrils, taking in the long snout and fiery eyes. Willing herself to regain her composure she said in a gritty voice, ‘I suppose…’

  Fafnir flew over, grabbing Fluff by the front of her gown. Curls of smoke popped from his nostrils like smoke signals. His eyes blazed. ‘Mess with me again and you’ll be sorry,’ he said, his tail twitching menacingly. ‘Ever heard of the game, Shoot the Fairy?’

  In her fright Fluff shot a fairy of her own! Quickly she escaped through the open door, cursing herself for being such a coward as she flew down the corridor.

  I wonder what Fafnir’s up to? she thought. No good—of that I can be sure.

  Meanwhile Flutterbum had discovered that a piece of the F-start insertion device was missing and there wasn’t a replacement. ‘We’ll have to improvise,’ he told his group of assembled fairies. ‘Fairies! Take off your unitards!’

  There was much muttering as his group of fairies reluctantly stripped.

  ‘Tie the unitards in a long chain,’ directed Flutterbum.

  While the unitards were being joined together Fogbottom and his gang were trying to solve the mystery of the exploding toilet. They had returned to the scene of the first crime. Fogbottom was examining the toilet. It was still wedged in the window, its jagged base testimony to the force that had dislodged it.

  The other fairies were cluttered around the sewerage pipe gaping from the floor. The walls were still decorated with scraps of toilet paper. It was as though there’d been a blowgun fight and slaggy bits of paper had been shot through a straw in every direction.

  ‘Must’ve used explosives,’ said Fogbottom, sniffing the air. ‘You c’n smell ‘em.’

  The fairies all nodded, except one. That one said, ‘No-one in FairyLand would use explosives!’

  ‘Well, they must’ve!’ snapped Fogbottom. He glared at the fairies. ‘Smell it for y’rself. Find the rotter who uses explosives an’ we find the culprit. Every centimetre of this room must be searched.’

  ‘What for?’ called one fairy. ‘Fingerprints?’

  Fogbottom sniffed, then sniffed again. ‘It ain’t fingerprints ya lookin’ for. It’s somethin’ else.’

  The fairies scoured the bathroom from ceiling to floor. Five minutes later they pooled their ‘evidence’.

  One piece of string and one sweet wrapper.

  ‘Foreman Phat!’ deduced the fairies, whipping themselves into a fury. ‘Let’s get him!’

  ‘’Ang on a minute!’ said Fogbottom, puttin’ out a wing to hold them back. ‘You’re jumpin’ to conclusions. We can’t say it was Foreman Phat! He’s always leavin’ his wrappers around.’

  ‘Who else could it be?’ asked a fairy.

  Fogbottom surveyed the evidence. His eyes narrowed and he sharply sucked in his breath. ‘Somethin’s odd. I can’t put me finger on it…’ His brow furrowed as he concluded, ‘I think the evidence is missin’.’

  An old, dour fairy flew over and buzzed in Fogbottom’s face. ‘The culprit wouldn’t leave a calling card now, would he?’ he asked with a sneer.

  Fogbottom ignored the old fairy. He looked around the group at the others. Slowly he repeated, ‘Somethin’ is missin’. His eyes flashed. ‘And I know what!’ He looked at the group in triumph. ‘You lot stay ’ere to guard the scene. I’m off to tell the others.’

  Chapter Five

  While all the other fairies had been busy with their quest, Foreman Phat had not. The sight of all those empty shelves and cupboards had sent him into despair. He’d sat on the floor doing nothing more strenuous than opening another sweet and scowling at his group of fairies.

  ‘Come on,’ pleaded Fluff, passing Foreman Phat on her search for the Pepper Pie Popper. ‘You have to find the missing food. As soon as the F-start Combustion Machine is ready, Flutterbum will be asking for it.’

  ‘But I’m hungry,’ said Foreman Phat.

  ‘How can you be hungry when FairyLand is in danger!’ shouted Fluff. ‘Get up you big oaf and do something.’ Normally, Fluff would never have spoken to the foreman like that. It was a measure of her distress.


  ‘All right, all right,’ said Foreman Phat, pushing himself to his feet. ‘What do you suggest?’

  Fluff rolled her eyes saying, ‘As if I haven’t enough to do.’ She grabbed Foreman Phat’s hand, trying to pull him up. ‘Let’s check the normal places where you find food,’ she began. ‘Eliminate those first.’

  Despite his great hunger Foreman Phat divided his fairies into groups and sent them in different directions: to the kitchens, other storerooms and the delivery dock.

  Fluff went with Foreman Phat. Together they searched the FairyLand supply van. Nothing. They searched the FairyLand Shoppe. Still nothing.

  ‘Where can all that food be?’ mumbled Fluff with a frown.

  Foreman Phat was about to give up when an idea came to mind. Grabbing Fluff’s arm he cried, ‘To the FairyLand Dump!’ The dump was littered with row upon row of rubbish bags.

  ‘Uggh!’ said Fluff, the stench of rotten garbage irritating her nose. ‘You realise, we’re going to have to check these?’

  ‘And the only way to do it, is to do it quickly,’ said Foreman Phat, pulling open a bag.

  Coddled codfish! Its fumes were so bad they’d ferment saliva. Foreman Phat pinched his nose with one hand, with the other he continued to probe through the bag.

  ‘Anything?’ asked Fluff.

  Foreman Phat shook his head.

  The second bag was even worse. ‘Putrefied prawn heads!’ said Foreman Phat through teeth so clenched that there were no gaps for air to pass through.

  But before Foreman Phat could peel open the next bag something hit him between the eyes, causing them to stream. No, it wasn’t a ball. ‘Whoa!’ he spluttered as a tidal wave of tingle flooded his nose.

  ‘What is it?’ asked Fluff, tugging at his arm.

  ‘Smell that?’

  ‘Smell what?’ asked Fluff, trying to get a good whiff. ‘Broiled brains? Fried frogs legs?’

  ‘Uh, uh!’ said Foreman Phat, sniffing again and licking his lips. He looked like he was about to swoon. ‘Caramelised onions!’ Tentatively he began to fly over the dump. ‘I think we’ve found our thief,’ he called over his wing tips.

  ‘Wait for me!’ called Fluff, whooshing up close behind him. The further they flew the darker it got. The further they got the more Foreman Phat sniffed and the more he sniffed the more his tummy rumbled.

  ‘Shhh!’ hissed Fluff at a particularly loud grumble. ‘You’ll warn the thief.’

  ‘Sorry,’ whispered Foreman Phat. ‘Hungry.’ The hairs stood up on the back of his neck. His knees quivered in excitement. He even began to drool. Swooping into a part of the dump that was hidden in a gully Foreman Phat stopped in his tracks. Fluff ran into his back.

  Two balls of fire seemed to hang suspended in the air. There was the smell of onion smoke and the sound of hurried munching.

  ‘So!’ rumbled Foreman Phat with mock courage. ‘It’s you! You stole the food!’ He leapt on Fafnir’s tail.

  Fafnir gulped.

  ‘You’re swallowing the evidence!’ shrieked Fluff.

  Fafnir licked his lips with a wry grin on his face. The look he gave Foreman Phat was one of finding a wart on his tail. ‘To what do I owe the honour?’ he asked.

  ‘We’re looking for the thief who stole the food,’ said Foreman Phat.

  ‘And we’ve found him!’ added Fluff, keeping a safe distance.

  Fafnir started to chuckle. ‘I’ve been called many things in my life but never thief,’ he said calmly, although the lights in his eyes were wild. ‘The onions were a—gift!’

  Fluff started to ask, ‘From who?’ when suddenly Fogbottom appeared. Finally, he’d found them! ‘What about vandal, then? Does that name sit any better?’ From behind a veil of wings he winked at Fluff.

  Fafnir jerked his attention to Fogbottom. ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ he roared.

  ‘Vandal!’ hissed Fogbottom, showing his teeth. ‘Ya know, someone ’oo deliberately damages property…’

  Fafnir snorted, sending a spray of sparks through the air and making the fairies jump.

  Foreman Phat tried to hide his ample girth behind the tiny Fluff.

  ‘What property am I supposed to have damaged?’ asked Fafnir.

  ‘The dunny!’ announced Fogbottom. ‘The one that exploded when Flutterbum was sittin’ on it!’

  ‘I did not damage any toilet!’ roared Fafnir, almost setting fire to the whole dump.

  ‘You’re the only one who could’ve,’ said Fogbottom with a smug look on his face. ‘You see, we searched the crime scene for evidence. What we found, or didn’t find for that matter, points to you.’

  Fafnir loomed menacingly close. ‘And what didn’t you find?’

  ‘We didn’t find a match!’ hissed Fogbottom. His smile was smug as he continued. ‘And you are the only one in FairyLand who could light the explosives without a match!’

  Fafnir frowned, searching for a hole to their argument. Eventually he asked, ‘And did you find these explosives?’

  It was Fogbottom’s turn to frown. ‘Well, no…’ His bottom lip dropped then bounced up again. He clucked his tongue as he looked at the others. ‘We wouldn’t would we? They was all blowed up!’

  ‘You stole the food, too,’ interrupted Foreman Phat, ducking out of breath’s way. ‘You stole the F-start food, cooked it all up and ate it! I can smell it!’ he finished triumphantly. ‘Onions! My favourite.’

  ‘Onions are the least of your worries,’ said Fafnir, sucking up the air. ‘Smell anything else?’ His great nostrils began to twitch. His eyes began to water. He took a step back when…‘Kerchoo!’ Fires dotted the dump.

  Foreman Phat sniffed, then shook his head as he said, ‘I only smell onions!’

  ‘There’s something besides onions,’ agreed Fluff, sneezing a delicate tshoo. ‘It’s pepper!’

  Chapter Six

  The fairies went into a spin. Fluff jumped into Fogbottom’s arms. Fogbottom jerked with fright ejecting Fluff into the air. Here, she collided with Foreman Phat’s stomach, ricocheted into Fafnir’s mouth, triggering a string of coughing that launched her straight into the arms of…

  ‘FlatuLance!’ shrieked Fluff, grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and hanging on for dear life. ‘Gotcha!’ she added. Despite her precarious position she still managed to yell to the others, ‘What are you waiting for? Nab him!’

  Foreman Phat grabbed one arm, Fogbottom the other, while Fafnir pinned him by the legs with his tail. Huffing and puffing and chuffing filled the air, along with the distinctive smell of pepper.

  FlatuLance writhed and wriggled, trying to release their hold but the fairies stood firm.

  Fluff glanced at her watch. ‘We’ve got to get him to the F-start generator room,’ she said. ‘And quickly. We’ve only got five minutes.’

  With Fafnir doing most of the work the fairies dragged and carried FlatuLance towards the combustion machine.

  ‘Is it working?’ screeched Fluff to Flutterbum as she flew into the room ahead of the others.

  Shrieks and cries greeted her as fairies huddled together, trying to hide the fact that they were in their birthday suits. Wings could only stretch so far!

  Despite the commotion they could distinctly hear the muffled voice of Flutterbum. ‘Yes! It’s working!’ he said, easing himself out from under the machine. He looked at the clock on the wall, adding, ‘Have you found the thief?’

  ‘Here he is,’ said Fafnir, flinging FlatuLance into the room. FlatuLance retreated to cower in the corner.

  ‘Not only the thief!’ said Fluff triumphantly. ‘We’ve found the missing Pepper Pie Popper, too!’

  ‘Hooray!’ yelled the fairy folk, leaping about in excitement, completely forgetting their nakedness. ‘You’ve saved the Fantastic Fart Factory.’

  ‘Not only the Fantastic Fart Factory!’ said Fluff. ‘We’ve saved the whole of FairyLand.’

  Eardrums buzzed with cheers.

  Flutterbum flew over to FlatuLance and stood in front of him holdin
g out his palm. ‘Hand over the missing F-start. Quickly now, so I can reload the F-start Combustion Machine. The insertion device is now working, thanks to the fairy fan belt.’

  ‘Mrs Bottomlee will be happy,’ said Fogbottom.

  ‘The Pepper Pie Popper,’ interrupted Flutterbum, waving a funnel-shaped suction device in FlatuLance’s face. ‘Bend over.’

  FlatuLance looked around the room at the sea of angry faces. His lower lip began to quiver. Slowly he bent over while Flutterbum extracted the missing fart.

  ‘No time to dally,’ said Flutterbum, injecting the Pepper Pie Popper back into the F-start machine. He peeked at his watch. ‘Thirty seconds to go. Fogbottom, hurry!’

  Fogbottom performed a miracle delivery that day. Never missing a beat he raced to his destination and inserted the right fart in the right bottom.

  With a faint grin on her face, Mrs Bottomlee turned in her sleep. ‘Aaaagh!’ she sighed. Pffpff, pff, pffpffh.

  Meanwhile, back in FairyLand the fairies had surrounded FlatuLance.

  ‘You stole the F-start food too, didn’t you?’ asked Fafnir.

  FlatuLance nodded.

  ‘And hid out in the dump,’ said Fafnir.

  Another nod.

  Fafnir turned saying, ‘See Foreman Phat, I didn’t steal it.’ Then he continued. ‘And you blew up the toilet, didn’t you?’

  FlatuLance looked miserable. ‘Yes,’ he huffed.

  ‘But why?’ asked Fluff, scratching her head. ‘Why cause so much trouble?’

  ‘Because I wanted power,’ said FlatuLance. ‘I wanted to be Prince of FairyLand.’

  ‘Wasn’t stealing the food and the Pepper Pie Popper enough to give you power?’ asked Fluff. ‘Why would you blow up a toilet?’

  ‘With me on it!’ growled Flutterbum.

  FlatuLance whirled around to face Flutterbum. ‘Were you on it?!’ he cried. ‘I didn’t know.’