So Festy! Read online

  A foot, blue, comes into sight. Lenny looks in horror. The foot is small, dainty like. ‘Look.’ Lenny calls Max over, unable to keep the revulsion from his voice. Together the boys inspect the foot. Each toenail has been carefully painted, pink alternating with purple. And on each is a sticker—smilies, fairies, and stars.

  ‘Wonder who she is?’ says Max.

  Lenny swallows, all words gone.

  ‘How bad must her family feel?’ says Max, in a small voice.

  Lenny’s eyes fill with tears. His nose drips. ‘I feel pretty bad, myself,’ he says.

  Max looks grim. ‘That’ll teach you,’ he says.

  ‘Teach me what?’

  Max’s voice resounds around the room. ‘There’s nothing funny about death.’

  ‘No, there is not!’

  The woman! So close that Lenny can feel her breath on his face. She looks evil, thinks Lenny, his stomach recoiling.

  ‘I believe you have something of mine.’ The woman holds out her hands for the keys.

  Lenny gulps. He sniffs. He looks at the exit, trying to calculate if they can get past her, or not. One might, but two? No way!

  Lenny glances at Max, relieved when he has his attention. Ever so slightly he tilts his head in the direction of the door. Max nods.

  The woman’s patience is wearing thin. ‘I’ve pushed the emergency switch, you know. In about…’ she checks her watch, ‘eight seconds security will be here.’

  Lenny locks eyes with Max. ‘Now!’ he calls.

  Max runs. Lenny runs. But the woman runs, too.

  Max skids under the examining table, scrambles on hands and feet and lurches for the door. The woman lunges at Max. She misses. Undeterred she swings at Lenny.

  Lenny teeters backwards, avoiding her outstretched hands, but falls into an open drawer.

  ‘Gotcha!’ yells the woman, swiping for him. Fingernails slice the air.

  Wedged in the drawer Lenny flings himself out of her grasp yelling, ‘No!’ At the same time his T-shirt catches. The sound of fabric ripping fills the air. Lenny’s buttock is stinging but there’s no time to inspect the damage. The woman hurls herself, she misses, then lands heavily on the floor. Here’s my chance, thinks Lenny. He leaps over the woman, climbs on the table, over to a bench and is out the door yelling, ‘Run for your life!’ to Max who is hovering in the corridor.

  By the time the woman staggers to her feet and reaches the door there’s no sign of either Max or Lenny.

  The boys run and run, then run some more, stopping only when they reach their street.

  ‘Feels like I’ve been bit on the bum,’ says Lenny rubbing his cheek. ‘Have a look and tell me how bad it is.’

  Max starts to laugh. He is laughing so hard he can’t talk.

  ‘What?’ asks Lenny, trying to inspect his scratched bottom.

  Max points to Lenny’s backside. ‘There’s something caught in your belt.’ He laughs louder, doubling over and holding his tummy. ‘It looks like a…It looks like a…’ Peals of laughter echo through the air. ‘A tail!’

  ‘What?’ asks Lenny, snatching at his bum. ‘Tell me.’ He turns round and around, like a dog trying to lick its balls.

  Max is beside himself. His face is red and he can’t catch his breath.

  ‘Yuck!’ roars Lenny, ‘Get it off!’

  Max shakes his head at the bag of poo. ‘I forgot about that!’ He snatches the bag and hurls it in the air. ‘Forget your shoes. They could’ve used this to trace me.’

  Lenny suddenly laughs. ‘And they say dead men tell no tales.’

  ‘You mean, tails,’ corrects Max. He grins at Lenny. ‘Tails from the freezer!’

  A Real Dog’s Dinner

  Chapter One

  ‘Three, two, one…’

  Snap!

  ‘How’re ya feelin’, mate?’ Ned peered at Reece but Reece did not answer.

  Ned clipped him on the shoulder and repeated slowly, ‘I said, how are ya feelin’?’

  Reece stood still, his eyes puzzled. At the sound of a bark he cocked his head, nostrils flaring, and turned to see from where it had come.

  Ned looked at his other mate, Baxter. ‘D’ya think it worked?’ he asked.

  Baxter shrugged saying, ‘Dunno.’

  ‘Me either,’ said Ned. He eased closer. ‘Reece?’ he whispered in a stage whisper. ‘Reecie! C’n ya hear me?’

  Reece opened his mouth as if to answer. Ned waited. Reece started to pant and Ned waited some more. But when Reece stuck out his tongue and licked him on the nose, Ned leapt back with disgust.

  ‘Awesome!’ announced Baxter with an idiot grin on his face. ‘You’ve done it.’

  ‘Omigod!’ whispered Ned, gaping at his mate.

  Reece stood still, his head to one side, as if he was trying to understand. Suddenly he gave a great shake, sending gobs of spit flying, and bounded off.

  ‘Crikey!’ yelled Baxter, stumbling backwards to stay dry. ‘Where’s he off to?’

  At the other side of the park Reece had spotted a girl. She was pushing a pram and walking two dogs. One was a Jack Russell, the other a Miniature Poodle.

  Ned watched as Reece loped over. He did not dare to breathe. ‘Whaddya think he’s gonna do?’ he asked.

  Baxter shrugged. ‘Dunno.’

  ‘Me either,’ said Ned.

  The boys watched as Reece slowed to an amble, then came to a halt about a metre from the girl.

  ‘C’mon,’ hissed Ned. ‘We’d betta get over there, FAST!’

  Ned and Baxter started to run. From some distance they could see the girl stop, her smile friendly. The boys accelerated.

  ‘My neighbours had to go to the dentist,’ the girl was explaining to Reece as Ned and Baxter arrived. ‘I’m babysitting.’ She gestured towards the pram. ‘The dogs, too.’

  Reece did not answer. He was too busy inspecting the dogs.

  ‘Lovely, aren’t they? This is Moomoo,’ the girl said to Reece as she pointed to the Poodle, ‘and this is Ralph.’ The girl continued to smile as Reece took a step toward her. ‘They’re friendly.’

  Reece edged closer.

  ‘You can pat them if you like.’

  Reece looked at the dogs. His nose twitched. His ears twitched. A smile broke out on his face.

  ‘That’s right,’ said the girl. ‘They won’t hurt. Come closer.’

  Suddenly, Reece let out a whine, loud enough to make the girl drop Ralph’s lead. As she bent to pick it up Ned was distracted by her pale blue crop top and forgot to keep an eye on Reece. Before Ned knew what was happening, Reece had made his move. He walked right up to the girl, sniffed once, twice, then dropped to his hands and knees.

  ‘Steady!’ warned Baxter from nearby.

  ‘That’s right,’ urged the girl, tugging the dogs towards Reece. ‘They won’t hurt. They’re bigger babies than this one.’ She gestured to the baby asleep in the pram.

  Ned stood fascinated, unable to stop what was happening, reluctant to, even if he could.

  Reece was still on his hands and knees, mouth open, panting.

  He looks like a dog on heat, thought Ned, starting to get worried.

  ‘You okay?’ asked the girl, her voice full of concern.

  What’s he gonna do? thought Ned. Jump the dogs? Or worse, jump the girl?!

  Before Ned could stop him, Reece leapt to his feet and clambered up the girl, planting his hands on her shoulders, his tongue dangling from his mouth.

  ‘Reece, down!’ hissed Ned, realising his worst nightmare had come true.

  Reece ignored Ned. Leaning forward he gave the girl a big wet nuzzle. The girl was too shocked to scream but she did say a few words—a few very choice words. Falling back on his hands and knees Reece then scurried over to the dogs.

  What now? thought Ned in panic. Then, Oh, no!

  With his face one centimetre from the poodle’s snout Reece was having a sniff. Moomoo stood still, as rigid as a taxidermist’s dummy. The girl tried to pull her away, but Moomoo stood he
r ground.

  Baxter was trying to pull Reece away, too, but he also refused to budge.

  Then, with a change of heart Reece turned, this time to Ralph…And did it all again! Ned was not sure what to do—help Baxter, help Reece, or help Ralph! But Ralph didn’t need help. Having stood patiently while Reece got a good whiff of him, Ralph edged closer and was returning the compliment.

  Ned looked at the girl. He looked at Reece. There was Reece, perched on his hands and knees. And there was Ralph, giving his version of an Eskimo kiss. Reece didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he seemed to like it! Inwardly, Ned moaned. ‘Sorry!’ he shouted to the girl. ‘My mate’s not too good. He’s, um. He’s…’

  How could Ned put it? She wouldn’t believe the truth.

  ‘You see,’ said Ned, starting again, ‘he thinks he’s a…’

  Woof!

  ‘Reece!’

  Reece had done a bolt, clambering to his feet as he took off after a passing car.

  ‘No!’ yelled Baxter, giving chase.

  Ned covered his eyes, leaving the tiniest of gaps between the fingers. This was just too awful! Reece was running up the road, snapping and snarling at the long-gone car.

  By the time Ned turned around again the girl had taken off, wrenching the pram and dragging her dogs behind her. She was going so fast she had to scoop Moomoo up in her arms. Behind the pram, poor Ralph was being dragged along as if he were a stuffed toy.

  Hope the kid doesn’t eject, thought Ned, watching the pram bounce wildly over a tuft of grass. He turned back to find Reece, now off the road, sniffing a telegraph pole.

  ‘You’ve made a real dog’s dinner out of this!’ exclaimed Baxter, giving Ned a none-too-gentle push. ‘What have you done?’

  ‘Nothin’!’ growled Ned.

  ‘You and your stupid hypnosis!’ said Baxter. ‘I knew it was no good.’

  ‘Not no good,’ Ned cut in. ‘Too good.’ He turned to look at Reece. ‘Stop!’

  But he was too late.

  Reece was cocking his leg against the pole.

  Chapter Two

  Five minutes later, the boys had managed to capture Reece and were dragging him across the park to the bench where their hypnosis had taken place.

  ‘D’you think he’s bunging it on?’ asked Baxter.

  ‘Nah,’ said Ned, patting Reece on the head. ‘He really thinks he’s a dog.’

  ‘Let’s sit him down,’ said Baxter. ‘Then, do your stuff and make him Reece, again.’

  ‘He still is Reece,’ said Ned, enjoying the moment. ‘Except that now he also answers to, “Here, boy!” and, “Fetch!”’

  Ned should never have said the ‘F’ word. As soon as he heard it Reece yelped with excitement, leapt off the bench and started running backwards and forwards, forwards and backwards, frantically looking for the ball.

  Baxter shook his head in disbelief but quietly, Ned was chuffed. I am the greatest hypnotist in all the world, he thought.

  Reece yelped again, careering round the park like a burst balloon, all for a ball that didn’t exist. Suddenly, Reece was back, a huge stick hanging from his mouth. Without hesitation he placed the stick in Ned’s lap.

  ‘Yuck!’ exclaimed Ned, pushing the stick away and sliding down the bench, wiping his hand on his pants at the same time. ‘Drool!’

  Baxter started to laugh. ‘Serves you right,’ he said. ‘You great hypnotist, you. You turned him into a dog, now turn him back.’

  Ned started to grin. ‘What if I don’t want to turn him back. What if he likes being a dog?’

  ‘Ned!’ said Baxter with a snarl in his voice. ‘Turn him back now or I’ll…’

  ‘What?’ goaded Ned.

  ‘Or I’ll set ’im onto you!’

  Ned made his knees shake, at the same time saying with a laugh, ‘Reece wouldn’t attack me!’

  ‘Reece!’ called Baxter, pointing to Ned. ‘Sick ’im. Go on, big fella. Sick Ned.’

  Reece just sat there, chewing on the stick. Bits of bark decorated the edge of his mouth. The wood from the ghost gum was now dark, wet with saliva.

  Ned chuckled saying, ‘There’s a good boy,’ and patted Reece on the head.

  ‘Sick ’im!’ repeated Baxter, pointing again at Ned.

  But Reece did not set upon Ned. He was happy to continue shredding the stick.

  ‘Huh!’ crowed Reece. ‘He only does what I tell him to. Not you.’

  Baxter gave Ned a shove. ‘Here, Reece!’ he called, agitation rising in his voice. ‘Get ’im, boy. Sick ’im.’

  ‘I’m his master, you know?’ said Ned, following with a good belly laugh. ‘He won’t do what you say.’

  Well, Reece did…and he didn’t.

  ‘Sick ’im!’ urged Ned, one last time.

  And with that, Reece staggered over to Ned, heaved once, twice, and threw up—right in his lap! There was a lake of dribble and drool and half-chewed bits of wood.

  ‘Gross!’ yelled Ned, pulling a sour sucker sort of face and half-standing up.

  ‘Hah!’ yelled Baxter, his fist in the air. ‘He’s smarter than I thought! That’s not the sort of sick I had in mind.’ Walking over he gave Reece a hug, at the same time saying, ‘Good boy. Good fella.’ He turned to grin at Ned.

  Ned bent over, examining the contents of his lap.

  Baxter bent over, too, doubling up with laughter.

  And Reece? He also bent over, trying to lick his…

  ‘Hope you don’t get a splinter!’ gasped Baxter, breaking into another peal of laughter as Ned gingerly removed a sliver of wood.

  ‘Very funny,’ Ned retorted. Then, glancing up he asked, ‘Where’s the mongrel now?’

  ‘Reece!’ Baxter stopped laughing immediately. ‘Re-e-ece!’

  The stick was there, all wet and mauled, but Reece? He was nowhere to be found.

  ‘Can’t’ve gone far!’ yelled Ned. ‘Let’s split. You go this way and I’ll go that.’ He checked his watch. ‘Meetcha back here in say, oh half an hour.’

  ‘No!’ said Baxter. ‘Let’s stay together. It’ll be easier to catch him if there’s two of us.’

  Ned shrugged. ‘Okay,’ he said, but silently he cursed, Dumb dog! and was shocked to find that already he was thinking of his friend that way. ‘We’ll check the streets,’ said Ned and he started to run.

  ‘Okay,’ called Baxter, close behind.

  The boys ran up streets and down streets calling, ‘Reece! Reece!’

  ‘Lost your dog?’ asked a man, walking a Labrador with a big friendly grin on its face.

  ‘Yes!’ said Baxter, but Ned poked him in the ribs.

  ‘No!’ said Ned.

  The man laughed. ‘What is it, then? Is it yes, or no? Have you lost your dog?’

  The Labrador wagged its tail.

  ‘Yes,’ began Baxter.

  ‘And no…’ interrupted Ned. Then quickly added, ‘You see, it’s not exactly, our—dog.’

  ‘I see.’ The man’s eyes crinkled at the corners. ‘This dog—that isn’t yours—what does he look like, then?’

  ‘He’s got brown hair, um, I mean, fur,’ said Ned.

  ‘And blue eyes,’ added Baxter.

  At that the man whistled. ‘Not many breeds have blue eyes. What is he?’

  At the same time as Baxter was answering, ‘He’s a pedigree,’ Ned was saying, ‘Mongrel!’ Ned squeezed Baxter’s arm so hard he almost yelped.

  The man shook his head, then chuckled. ‘If I see any blue-eyed, brown-haired pedigree mongrels called Reece I’ll let you know.’ And with that he strode off.

  ‘Idiot!’ hissed Ned. ‘You nearly let on.’

  Baxter tried to crash tackle Ned, but Ned counter-attacked, leaving Baxter sprawled on the footpath. ‘I’m not the idiot!’ cried Baxter. ‘You are. The great idiot hypnotist.’

  ‘Quit muckin’ around,’ said Ned, looking about. ‘We’ve gotta find ’im.’

  One hour later there was no Reece to be found.

  ‘Where d’ya think he is?’ aske
d Ned.

  Baxter shrugged. ‘Dunno.’

  ‘Me either,’ said Ned.

  Just as they were about to give up the girl from the park walked past, this time without the pram and the two dogs.

  ‘Let’s ask her,’ Baxter whispered.

  ‘No!’ whispered Ned.

  ‘Ask her!’ hissed Baxter.

  ‘No!’ hissed Ned.

  ‘Ask me what?’

  The boys were too busy arguing to notice that the girl was upon them. Baxter jumped. Ned could feel his cheeks burn.

  ‘What?’ repeated the girl, only this time it was much louder and said with irritation. Her eyes narrowed as she looked about and asked, ‘Where’s your friend?’

  Ned groaned. With a question like that it was obvious she had not seen Reece.

  ‘Our friend?’ echoed Ned.

  ‘Yes,’ said the girl. ‘Your foul, filthy friend.’

  Ned pretended he did not know what she was talking about. ‘Which one?’ he asked, as casually as he could. Suddenly, he felt dog-tired. Dog-tired! Hah! Ned snorted, but only to himself.

  ‘You know,’ said the girl, her face stern. ‘The one who should be put in the doghouse for trying to come on to me like that.’

  Ned snorted silently, again. The doghouse. If she only knew!

  ‘He’s not himself,’ said Baxter, deciding to come clean. ‘Ned here hypnotised him. Reece, um, doesn’t think he’s, ah, human.’

  The girl looked sceptical as she said, ‘Sure!’ Then, she pointed to herself, and said with a grin, ‘I’m not human, either. I’m not Sally Huggins. I’m Ruani, Queen of the planet Ixxin.’

  ‘We’re telling the truth,’ said Baxter. ‘Reece doesn’t think he’s human.’

  ‘He does think he’s a dog,’ said Ned with a sigh. He shrugged as he said to Sally, ‘You’ll believe us—when he tries to sniff your crotch!’